Avoiding burnout and supporting social skills
By Mallory Griffith, MA, CCC-SLP
Timing is a tricky thing. Hats off to all those seasoned parents of kids working on social skills who have learned how to navigate their kids evolving strengths and challenges, and the balance of knowing which therapy to prioritize. As one skill is mastered, new important social skills may emerge. Maybe your child's social skills have flourished through those early elementary years, developing skills like reading body language, communicating their feelings, getting along with others. Now that skilled pre-teen is entering middle school, and a whole new set of social nuances emerge. Change is hard. You may have a child who questions whether therapy is warranted or deny any social difficulties.
How do you know when it's time to push through the resistance? Tips for guiding your child toward social skills support.
As a speech pathologist who primarily coaches social communication skills, I have seen families navigate these situations differently, with many different outcomes. Each person is unique, and parents know their kids best, but here are some tips for navigating that fine line.
Normalize working on social skills. Growing strong social skills is a life skill (relationships, work, conflict resolution, etc.). Most people work on developing their social skills throughout their life, we just don't talk about it. Make a point of discussing the social situations you face out loud, along with any tools you plan on using to solve them. Which communication skill do you use most often? Model asking for help and/or advice. If you have multiple children, make a point of talking about interpersonal skills with each child. It's important that we model that we all experience difficulties socially (not just the kids who go to therapy to work on social skills).
Create a clear timeline for trying social skills therapy. I don't know about you, but I get antsy when I lack information about the number of times I am committed to doing something. Social skills are big and broad! If you are told you have to work on something until you make friends and get along with others, it is likely to be overwhelming. Discuss what a clear timeline would be to acquire and practice new tools related to your target goal or goals.
Explore therapy options. Social skills can be targeted in several different settings. Discuss preferences with your child. Do they prefer working on things in person or over tele-therapy. Maybe a group setting would help them reach their social target? If managing multiple therapy appointments is too much, determine which therapy session is the most valuable for growing social skills.
Offer your child loving support. Parenthood brings love unlike any other, it also brings pain. Watching your child struggle with social skills, self-regulation, general communication skills - paired with the reaction from others, can at times be heart-breaking. Be your child's gentle reminder of the wonderful human they are (as is) and all the ways you love and respect them. Focus on your commitment to helping them reach their goals, and away from changing the things they need to correct. It's a minor shift, but makes a big difference.
Help your child think forward. If middle school is brutal, and social skills are the last thing your child wants to talk about (body language? eye contact? new friends? NO THANKS!), focus on the future. Use your child's interests to help them think toward the future to identify how social skills will help them reach their goal. What communication skills will you need in college? What social skills will help you with your future job? What background skills and behavior targets can we work on now to prepare for then?
How do you know when it's time to take a break?
Improving social skills is a long game. While minor resistance is worth exploring, sometimes a short break is needed. Here are a few signs it might be time to pause.
Your crew has been working on social skills hard for a long time. My personal thought is that we all have to recharge our batteries sometimes. More is not always more. Maybe offer a different (social) option on the menu to your child - cooking class? karate? robotics? games? Explore options that align with their interests.
You are seeing next level resistance. If you are dragging your child out of the car, it is unlikely your child will be able to find the motivation to implement strategies supporting their social communication skills. Sometimes, that someone who was a game changer in elementary, may not be the right therapist for middle school. Consider trying a different therapist (therapists network with each other - ask your therapist if they know of someone else who might be a good fit for your child/teen). Sometimes the best way to handle the situation is to take a break.
They are not at a healthy spot to work on the skills being targeted. When interactions are hard, really hard, the timing might be off. If your child is refusing to acknowledge that peer relationships are worthwhile, or they are struggling to communicate their emotions on a basic level (due to their intensity), it is likely a situation where mental health needs to be prioritized. Find a counselor or psychologist, explore medications, help guide your child to a healthy spot so that social skill growth can be made. Interpersonal skills are grown when children are relatively regulated and can think toward the future.
You (yes, the parents) are overwhelmed with the number of weekly sessions. Parent burnout is a thing. Between work, parenting, and supporting your child's skill growth, sometimes it gets to be too much (we could also likely add chauffeur and manager to that list!). Tracking and reinforcing the goal, behavior, language target - which ways your child used their new social skills strategy - it takes time, attention, and energy. You have likely heard the stories or read the book, but we all know taking time for yourself is easier said than done. Be gentle to yourself. A well-charged parent is better able to support their child's social skills than a person who is exhausted.
Working to improve social skills can have a powerful impact on your child. Social interactions are constant, and growth can improve social skills success and confidence. While we all want to support our children and their relationships, remember that you know your child best. Listening to your gut will help you know when the timing is right. Create a clear plan with you child. Prioritize the person or group that will help guide your child toward their goals. Paying attention to their cues and your cues about the timing can help support their long term social skills growth.
I hope these tips help you navigate your child's social skills journey. As always, if you have any questions about the article or your child's specific difficulties, please reach out. I love talking about social skills and connecting families to resources.
Best,
Mallory
